Thursday, December 14, 2006

My Fiction

Hey all, just wanted to post this piece of fiction I did. It's still in rough draft phase, but I just wanted to post it. Feedback is encouraged. John Egan Steve’s Space The alarm clock went off as Steve’s hand reaches for it in the dark. He finally gets a hold of it as he chucks it against the wall, shattering it. Throwing off his covers he gets out of bed. He hits his head on the low ceiling, like he did most days, cursing to himself and punching the ceiling. He storms out of the bedroom in his pajamas, down the hall and into the kitchen. His grandma was making waffles, and Steve loved the smell of waffles. But it mixed in with the constant smell of leather, and it turned a delicious breakfast smell into vomit from someone with the plague. Steve walked into the kitchen. "Well hello dear" said Grandma. "I’m moving out!" "Well why, did you hit your head again?" "Yes I hit my head again. Probably a concussion. I just can’t live here anymore." "Well why?" "We live in a shoe! I live in the pinky toe area. You got so many kids you don’t even know what to do" "Now when your parents died in that bizarre sloth accident.." "Damn sloths..." "...I swore I’d take care of you kids." "Take care? You feed me broth without bread, then whip, as you say, soundly, and try sending me to bed. What does soundly mean anyways? Because if it means often and with a wrench then good word usage" "Well it’s just how me and your pop-pop handle things." "But why a shoe? We couldn’t get a house? An apartment? I’d take a shanty.” "He complaining about his room again Gram-Gram?" said Will, Steve’s younger brother, as walked into the kitchen eating Life cereal. "Oh, easy for you to say, you live by the shoelaces, you at least get a window!" answered Steve. "Oh hunny, you get plenty of sun." said Grandma. "No. No I don’t. Look at me, I’m paler than Marilyn Manson." said Steve. "Marilyn Monroe was a fantastic woman." "No Grandma, Marilyn Manson. He worships the devil." said Will. "Well that isn’t safe." "And Grandma, have you ever tried to bring a date here? It’s a massive cockblock!" said Steve. "A what?" said Grandma. "A cockblock Grandma. It’s someone or something that prevents girls from getting in Steve’s pants." said Will. "Why would girls want to wear Steve’s pants?" "Nevermind Grandma. Let’s just say it’s hard to get a date living here." "I remember when me and Herb went on our first date..." said Grandma. "See what you did Steve." said Will. "Now we have to hear the first date story again." " was all over my dress and..." "Well maybe if I didn’t live in a friggin shoe I wouldn’t complain about it" said Steve. "...and then I put it in my mouth...." "Well it’s all we have after the accident..." said Will. "Damn sloths." said the brothers together. "....and then he stuck his finger in my..." "Grandma!" said Steve disgusted. "...spaghetti. What?" "Oh. Thank god. I almost gavomited in this nightmare." said Steve. "I’m going to my toe." "Don’t forget to wear a raincoat." said Grandma as Steve left through the heel. "What’s wrong with that boy Tommy?" "My name is Willy Grandma." said Will as left the room with his cereal box. There was a knock at the back door as Steve walked down the hall and opened it. It was his best friend Jack Horner, with his usual gift of a plum pie. It smelled awful, but Steve always accepted it and put it in the kitchen for his Grandma. Steve and Jack went into the living room and Steve sat down on the love seat. "So what’s up? You actually want to sit in a chair today?" asked Steve. "Naw, I’m good in the corner. It’s comfortable." answered Jack. "You know I hate plums dude. Why not apple for a change?" "Well Bo keeps making them for me every morning before going to the flock. I’ve gotten used to them. Jack was older than Steve. He had been married for a couple of years now. Steve wasn’t even thinking about marriage yet. Since he accidently made out with his cousin Mary Mary Quite Contrary, his mental status of love was on hiatus. "I need to get out of this place." said Steve. "Why? You are the only person I have ever heard of that lives in a shoe. You are the shoe guy! If you ever had a party you would be the coolest guy I knew." said Jack. "When you and Bo were dating, do you ever think she would want to come over and hang out in a shoe?" "I dunno she gets kind of hot in enclosed spaces." "Well that’s besides the point. My grandparents are looney, I feel cramped all the time and just think it’s time for a change." "Where will you go though? You have no degree, no job, no education. I’m just saying you should plan this out before just jumping into leaving." "Is that Jacky boy?" yelled Grandma from the kitchen. "Yes ma’am." said Jack. "Did you bring me some pie? I think I smell it." "It’s on the stove right next to you Grandma." said Steve. "Oh! There it is. It’s plum this time!" "It’s always plum!” Steve yelled back. He leaned in closer to Steve. "You see what I’m talking about? She is from a different generation, nay, a different planet. I think she was even talking about sex earlier!" "Oh c’mon. She’s your silly old grandma. Everyone’s got a relative like that." said. Jack. "I wish I would have had more relatives to choose from. Damn sloths...." "Hey, no one saw that invasion coming. We all were affected." "I don’t know, I just feel like it’s time to leave. You left home when you were 16 and you turned out fine." "I turned out lucky. Bo is a genius and her dad is loaded. I’m a freelance writer. Do you know another name for that occupation?" "No." "Unemployed." "Oh." "All I’m saying is that sure, you can start planning and figuring out a game plan. But don’t’ just rush into something before having it planned out. It might be embarrassing to live in a shoe, but it would be more humiliating if you left a shoe, then came crawling back to it. "Very true." "Steve? Tommy? I need someone for my sponge bath!" said Grandma. "Willy" shouted Will. " can crash in the guest room." said Jack. "Thank you." answered Steve as he went to go pack. Jack followed him to help as he shielded his eyes passing by the open bathroom door. "Tommy! Get in here!" yelled Grandma. "It’s Will ya old bag!" said Will. "Don’t make me get the wrench!"

Monday, December 11, 2006

My Afternoon (A Tale of Mike Eserkain)

So I have been sick for over a week. Is this normal. Answer: No. No it's not. But onto Sunday afternoon. I was simply suppose to be seeing Jackass 2 with good ole Mike E. It ended up an adventure. Me and Mike walked into the East Town mall. Mike explained to me the pure joy he has of bringing mcdonald's food into movies and eating them. While I got sick thinking about the McDonald's I had the night before. So we walk in for a 3:05 movie. We look and realize it is at 3:50 instead. Mike curses his dislyexia (spelling?) and we realize we have an hour. So we sit down and Mike is quite upset he has to eat his McDonalds on a booth. He puts down his wallet and bag and eats away. Mike calls Tony to see if he wants to come. He does. So Mike and I walk around hickish East Town Mall. Apparently it's fair day, so comics and Packer appearel are available to buy. Including, football cards in a paper bag marked:Football. Oh yes, I want those. Perhaps one of them has a Favre rookie card. Anyways, so Mike and I wonder into the hick GameStop and look around. We go around to the arcade games and try to figure out how many times it would need to be played until he made his money back. For a pong type game, it was 1000 plays, so 2 plays a weekend. We decide it can be done! Buy we won't buy it. So we wonder into Bed, Bath and Beyond. For those of you who have read my article about The Buckle, you will know they are nazis. They clinge to you every second asking if you are ok and if they can help you. 3B, yes I call is 3B, is WORSE. Seven different people came up to me and asked if they could help. Did you know those are 3 for 10? Yes They are nice I need one. Did you know those are 3 for 10 I alread know. My sister doesn't need 3 cleanser soaps. Would you like a bag I am not carrying a bag in this store. My hands hold soap and shower gel just fine. Did you know those shower gels are 4 for 35? Nope And you can get that fancy box Wow(sarcastically) I know. I don't want a box Did you know those are 3 for 10? Did you know those wallflowers are for 2 for 20 No, but I don't care. Please check me out. Cheryl, did you tell him those were 3 for 10? And so on. I know, you want to kill yourself. So I finally make my overpriced purchase (you better be happy sister!) Wait, if she reads this she will know what I got. Oh well. So Tony joins us, and after another tour of comics and video games we can finally get Tony away from his inner-nerd and walk towards the theater. So we are feet away from the movie. Finally! Freedom! I look behind and Mike has a sudden look of shock. He frisks hismelf and says the deadly words. "Where's my wallet." Anyone catch that? I never said he put his wallet back! Ha I'm clever. Dammit I bet Worzala caught that. Anyways, we begin a THIRD tour around the mall, Mike checking and asking every store if they've seen a wallet. We search the area we were sitting at like we were searching for naked women. Tony even dug in the garbage. No luck. Mike then expands he had two check and 200 bucks cash in the wallet. I had my doubts, because if you saw the type of people in there that day, you would think that as well. I felt bad. So Mike told us to watch the movie while he went home and cancelled his credit cards. Jackass 2 was hilarious, but a little piece was taken away because Mike was out 200 dollars. It was sad. So Mike comes roaring in near the end of the movie. He presented the wallet, and the fat 8 year old next to us, that was roughly 500 lbs I think, shut up for a second. A group of teenagers had found the wallet. TEENAGERS found it and called him. I was shocked. Utterly shocked. Honestly, if I was 15, ok 22, and found a wallet, I probably would have returned it. Cashless. I know, I suck. Anyways, he got it back with everything inside. He even offered the kids some money, and they said no. To quote Anderson "A Christmas Miracle!" I guess it was. The world constantly surprises I guess. Tragedy averted. Perhaps we will get free soda again at CC! No, no. That is still the publics fault. Prove me wrong. Anyways, I will post later, but alas I have work to do. I have an outline for the play I am working on. And, I have rough writings for all of the scenes but one. Next up, getting them from paper to computer, then revise, revise, write club, revise, revise, write club, etc. Seacrest out.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

My Frustration

Writing is tough. I am currently working on 2 pieces for the One Act Scrap heap. Well,it was 2, then 1 because I realized one blew major donkey dick, now back up to 2 because I have another idea. I am a fantastic skit writer right now. I can take a joke, make it funny, and boom. What the One Act wants are short little plays in a sense. Characters learn, expand, etc. etc. So that is what I am working on. I am expanding on an idea and once I submit them, if they get in or not, they will be up here. The frustration lies in that no matter how I change something, it is never in a different voice. My advice was "don't sound like you". It had a lot to do with my female. The problem is, I know what a female sounds like. The dialogue I put in the play has actually come from the mouths of women. Yet, I am told it is not realistic. I also have had women read over my work, and agree with the dialogue. Still, it is not right. So I asked what I should do. My response "Well that isn't our job." Writing is frustrating. The pieces I am working on right now for Scrap Heap will be parts of the play I am working on as well. The plot is down to just the story of middle-20s characters throughout the span of a week. There are broken relationships, a planned wedding, a funeral, and new relationships. Sounds cliche, but trust me, it's not. It probably won't follow a normal format. There will be gags, like my Translation piece, which is a conversation a man or woman have, and their inner voices translate it to the audience. That is pretty much my opening scene. My other scrap heap is on a groom and best man talking while being fitted for their tux's. They go over the importance of the best man's speech. So, I have to turn these things into one acts. For Translation, I am 80% there, and have an idea how to make it whole. I got about a month so that is what I am concentrating on, with school and work. Ya. I will also soon have a satire piece about nursey rhymes up here soon as well. I won't be submitting it to One Act's because it would be darn near impossible to do onstage. Other than that life is normal. Semester almost done, interview for internship on Thursday for a radio station. CC Xmas party this Saturday, which will be fun. I wish I had someone to take though. I should work on that.... Well that is about it. Keep it crazy you loyal readers, aka Anderson.